Huanying Guanglin! Welcome you to Chinese Hell!

Please don't ask why you're here; the "I'm innocent" routine is older than Kongzi's baby pictures. You'll know your offense by which chamber of Hell we leave you in. That's right - Dante was cribbing, except he figured you Westerners couldn't handle the truth. There are eighteen levels of damnation here, but they are all under the jurisdiction of ten hellacious kings.

Stop trembling! Nothing - well, almost nothing - is forever here in Chinese Hell. As long as your relatives are burning fake money for you, you'll eventually bribe your way out of here and into reincarnation. Oh, you'll do some atoning though, for sure. Got your deodorant and a change of underwear? Good, let's go!

Chamber One - Wind and Thunder

Keep a good grip on the handrail. You get caught in the slipstream, and you could spend the next few eons getting pulverized by a force twelve gale. Many of the damned - when they're not busy screaming in anguish - gripe that this isn't much of a punishment for those who kill and scam to satisfy their greed. But we here in hell understand; too much is never enough. Anyway, we need all the room in this chamber we can get. There's a whole crowd of bankers due here soon. C'mon.

Chamber Two - Grinding

Yeah, that noise sets our teeth on edge too. Those aren't nails on a chalkboard. Those are the bones of rich men who didn't do any good with their money, and even worse, wasted food. We don't know how much money that hand sticking out from the millstones ever counted, but it certainly left its share of barely-touched cuisine. How many fifty-plate banquets have you been to lately, by the way? The ones where you do more toasting than tasting? Really? OK, let's move along.

Chamber Three - Fire

This is more what a Westerner like you had in mind when picturing the underworld, eh? Why, yes, those are burnt spareribs! The charred ribs of cheaters and thieves. True, the guys in the first chamber fit the same description. It's complicated - did you ever have a claim processed in China? Well, how much more streamlined did you think it would be in Chinese Hell? Oof, you never get used to that burning hair smell. We're out of here.

Chamber Four - Ice

Predictable, but effective, as long as you're not from Harbin. Lord Yama had this place built for louts who abandon their parents and abuse old people. Called your mother lately? Anyway, these ingrates do get comfortably numb after a while. We just throw them in the Fire Chamber to defrost, then it's back to the deep freeze. We got the idea from the Swedes - those maniacs actually enjoy it.

Chamber Five - Vats of Boiling Oil

This Hell would hardly be Chinese if there was nothing getting flash-fried, would it? A fitting end for those who spent a lifetime sizzling in lust. We send every variety of sex offender to this chamber, even lechers. That's why we've been frantically carving more of this chamber out every since Al Gore invented the Internet, and it's still ten to a cauldron.

Chamber Six - Sawing

Brace yourself; this place makes the fried pervert chamber seem like a friendly malatang stand. It's hoped that the kidnappers here feel what it's like to have something irreplaceably precious ripped away from them. Huh? Can't hear you over the blood-curdling yells. Of course the saws are rusty. What do you take us for, amateurs?

Chamber Seven - Chariot Treatment

Yeehaw! Kind of like a rodeo in here, innit? Only demons get to drive the chariots, by the way. Those bundles of rag and blood being dragged behind are what's left of the corrupt officials who used to oppress the people and drag them through the dirt. You'll probably find that landlord who didn't give you your rent deposit back here, too.

Chamber Eight - Mountain of Knives

Jacking up prices, compromising on quality - you call it business, we call it a damnable offense. Few have the ambition to climb to the top here, though. It's hard to get a handle on the market. The competition's too sharp. The puns are too dull. Yikes! That guy didn't roll far when he fell. Let's get out of here.

Chamber Nine - Tongue Ripping

There are worse crimes than gossiping. There are also worse fates than losing your tongue so you can't gab anymore. Now that we've installed streaming video of everyone's friends in compromising positions, though, along with unlimited cell phone usage, it's a lot more Twilight Zone in this chamber.

Chamber Ten - Pounding

We left this punishment kind of vague, so we could have more leeway with cold-blooded murderers. One day it's rocks, the next it's sledgehammers. We've been giving Jeffrey Dahmer the old Wile E. Coyote treatment - once that log drives him through the cliff ledge, he'll bounce off that trampoline and it'll start all over again. We love our Warner Brothers cartoons around here.

Chamber Eleven - Body Ripping

Ingrates beware! You thought you had nothing to be thankful for when alive? Well, now you have plenty to be sorry for, as your undead corpse gets torn in ways - what's that? Why yes, this is an awful lot like the sawing chamber. I'll send a memo through the appropriate channels. Once the ingrates get good and ripped, we'll exchange them with the kidnappers to get sawn. Look - that one is raising his hand to thank you for the idea. Oops, no he's not.

Chamber Twelve - Hooks

You don't look like an ill-tempered daughter-in-law, so you won't be getting hung up here. It's not the iron hook through the heel so much, they say, as it is being upside down for eons. Talk about a head rush. Actually a lot of modern Chinese literature fans have been writing in to protest this chamber, wondering where the chambers for domineering mother-in-laws and polygamous husbands are. Things were easier when only men were taught to read and write.

Chamber Thirteen -  Eye-Gouging

Back in the hutong days, this was one of the emptiest chambers in Hell. There just weren't many peeping toms tall enough to get an eyeful. High-rise apartments sure have changed all that. Our in-house numbers guy, Kenneth Lay, says only half a percent of apartment telescope owners use them to observe the appropriate heavenly bodies. These poor souls miss their peepers, but they're happy to have enough guanxi not to be sizzling in recycled oil.

Chamber Fourteen - Cardioectomy

Anyone in this chamber is bound to lose heart. Then again, they had evil hearts to begin with. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows, and anyone who works in this chamber. Sheesh, look at that one, rotten as month-old hamburger. Must have belonged to a televangelist.

Chamber Fifteen - Disembowelment

We used to put tomb-robbers here, to let them feel what it's like to have one's buried treasure taken out the back door. After cremation became trendy, we started putting hypocrites in here, too, for a change of pace. They like to accuse each other of being gutless.

Chamber Sixteen - Skinning

We might have to close this chamber on a technicality. It was constructed for those who disrespect the gods. Right now we only know of nine souls not due for a karmic cycle in this place. None of them are religiously affiliated - they're all Asian restaurant owners who actually put fresh fruit in their store-front shrines. Anyway we just can't afford all the skinning racks and skin removal technicians it would take to keep this place running on a just basis.

Chamber Seventeen - Maggots

For those who thought they could wiggle through loopholes without retribution, maggots wiggling in their vitals. Those guilty of malpractice - a movable feast for countless squirming larvae. If you think that's gross, try changing the fly paper in this chamber.

Chamber Eighteen - the Eternal Inferno

Last stop! Sorry, looks like this is where you'll be getting off. This magma lake kind of makes the fire chamber seem like a cheerful hearth, doesn't it? Apparently you either brought widespread misery, betrayed a ruler, or desecrated a Buddhist temple. Alright, let's get the records...well, there's your Youtube cover of Billy Jean, performed in your underwear, and that McDonald's burger wrapper you chucked behind the incense burners at Yonghegong. Guilty on two out of three counts. Tough break. While this isn't quite eternity, 10 to the power of 18 years is sure gonna feel like it. Hold on, hold on... saved by the bill! Looks like your "superstitious" Chinese widow just saved your soul by burning an extra-large wad of Hell money.  We hope you enjoy your next incarnation, and thank you for visiting. Zai jian!

Thanks to Pucky learns 2 fly for pics.